I'm not sure why but i once read an interview with Adrian Chiles. He said he gave up bread, potatoes and pasta and the weight 'fell off him'. He lost three stone. Adrian doesn't look like a liar. So i gave up bread, pasta and lovely potatoes. But I haven't lost any weight. None. I think I've put on a pound and a half actually.
I think i know the reason...
I spoke to my mum yesterday and she said 'What are you replacing bread with?' and i thought for a moment and then i said 'cheese'.
And also i realised early on that even if i can't eat crisps, i can eat pork scratchings.
I looked at the Adrian Chiles interview again today. I stared at the photo. Adrian Chiles is fat. I've taken diet advice from a fat man. I didn't think this through.
Sunday 17 January 2010
Wednesday 6 January 2010
The curse of Nelly Furtado
It sounds like a herd of bisson are charging away from a landslide. It looks like Matt Lucus in a wig having a coronary. It's me on the treadmill.
So why? Why? Do i have the song Maneater by Nelly Furtado on repeat when i do it?
(If you're unfamiliar with this melodic masterpiece, it starts like so...
Everybody look at me, me I walk in the door you start screaming Come on everybody what chu here for? Move your body around like a nympho)
I always saw myself as a nice folk musicy sort of a girl. But when i'm on the treadmill with Nelly I become badass....and kickass....and it's scary...but more-ish at the same time.... like, when you were little, leaning back on your chair when your mum told you not to ....or now you're grown up doing tequila shots in the early hours when you have work in the morning.
So why? Why? Do i have the song Maneater by Nelly Furtado on repeat when i do it?
(If you're unfamiliar with this melodic masterpiece, it starts like so...
Everybody look at me, me I walk in the door you start screaming Come on everybody what chu here for? Move your body around like a nympho)
I always saw myself as a nice folk musicy sort of a girl. But when i'm on the treadmill with Nelly I become badass....and kickass....and it's scary...but more-ish at the same time.... like, when you were little, leaning back on your chair when your mum told you not to ....or now you're grown up doing tequila shots in the early hours when you have work in the morning.
Saturday 2 January 2010
I'm doing it!
For two days now i haven't smoked or eaten sugar or bread..(that's bread Bread, BREAD, lovely sour dough bread, toasted bagels, granary bread, crumpets, muffins, dirty white bread, Bread, BREAD)
..or potatoes, as in chips, roast potatoes...(i can't even type roast potatoes without needing one of those spit suckers they have in the dentist)
....and as for the exercise...
i have done an hour of yoga each day and had both my 20 minute runs (on a treadmill..sounded like a herd of bison were in the room..nearly fell off it when i tried to turn Nelly Fertado's Maneater up on the ipod)...but didn't die so that was a bonus-what i hadn't factored in is that i can't now move...it hurt to pick up my lap top to type this....a stenner stairlift would wipe the floor with me going upstairs and there would be no hope of me getting downstairs again without somesort of gurney......and because i have had two days of food denial and exercise when i look in the mirror i expect to be thin, and taut and really rather hot.......but i'm not...I'm fat... fat as a town..that town being Tokyo...and i don't look hot..i look a bit mental because i really want a cigarette and i've had two brandies because the only way i can combat this change of lifestyle is to remain pleasantly pissed at all times....
only another 363 days to go...
bollocks
..or potatoes, as in chips, roast potatoes...(i can't even type roast potatoes without needing one of those spit suckers they have in the dentist)
....and as for the exercise...
i have done an hour of yoga each day and had both my 20 minute runs (on a treadmill..sounded like a herd of bison were in the room..nearly fell off it when i tried to turn Nelly Fertado's Maneater up on the ipod)...but didn't die so that was a bonus-what i hadn't factored in is that i can't now move...it hurt to pick up my lap top to type this....a stenner stairlift would wipe the floor with me going upstairs and there would be no hope of me getting downstairs again without somesort of gurney......and because i have had two days of food denial and exercise when i look in the mirror i expect to be thin, and taut and really rather hot.......but i'm not...I'm fat... fat as a town..that town being Tokyo...and i don't look hot..i look a bit mental because i really want a cigarette and i've had two brandies because the only way i can combat this change of lifestyle is to remain pleasantly pissed at all times....
only another 363 days to go...
bollocks
Thursday 31 December 2009
The Final Three Resoultions
I have finally come up with the last three...just as well as i only have a few hours to go and there's a lot of smoking and bread eating to be done in that time.
So....
8) I will say a prayer everyday.
This prayer was written by a very special friend of mine. I've said it before and it takes you out of yourself and into another place. A place where you are the luckiest person on the most beautiful planet, where everything is a gift and an adventure. A place I'd like to be in everyday.
Morning Celebration
as i breathe in i say welcome to the world, to natures glory and humanities great creations.
i ask the universe what can I give to the world today? I can share with the world the gift of..............(peace, joy, generosity, talent, efficiency, humour, wealth etc)
I aknowlege that I am a powerful being and endeavor to wield that power with grace, generosity and abundance, to give fully of my talents in all I do and to all I meet and give with equal abundance love, health and nourishment to my heart, soul and body.
I share now my mantras in trust, enthusiasm and confidence...(pick the mantras you want to say that day...or make up your own)
• I AM FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL AND IN CONTROL
• I RELEASE MY EGO-BASED FEARS AND LISTEN TO MY SPIRIT
• I SHOWER THE UNIVERSE WITH GRATITUDE FOR ITS MANY GIFTS TO ME
• I WELCOME LOVE AND INTIMACY INTO MY LIFE
• I AM SPIRITUALLY CONFIDENT AND ASSERTIVE
• I AM A BEAUTIFUL AND SEXUALLY CONFIDENT WOMAN
I meditate now, clearing my mind, giving platform to my inner voice and trust to the Universe...(5 minute meditation)
I thank the Universe for its gift of love, expressed through my family, friends and this beautiful World and I celebrate the day with enthusiasm and joie de vivre!
She recently came back to England after a long time in The States and she woke in the night, with jetlag and anxiety. Anxiety about the next job, the next available wad of cash, the health of loved ones, whether she'd ever meet that Texan millionaire... and for some reason she lay in bed and she picked up her laptop and she wrote these words. They calmed her. So now she says them every morning, and i will too.
(She'll probably be embarrassed about me sharing this. And i'm a bit embarrassed about writing so spiritually too, you can't help but feel like a bit of a plonker......but I'm going to try and get over that, because afterall....peace and love, man, could you want for anything more?)
9) I will mediatate everyday
I'm a bit new to meditation, so bare with me. I think you basically sit comfortably and close your eyes, then breath in saying the word 'hahm' and out saying the word 'sah' in your head. You don't speak it aloud. It means 'I am that' in Sanskrit. And is apparently very powerful and will take you to higher levels of consciousness......higher levels of consciousness!....i'll have some of that.
if you like the sound of this have a look here....this is what I'll be going from at first
http://www.dreamingintobeing.com/clientaccess_meditations.htm
10) I will call a friend everyday for no other reason than to say 'hello, how are you?' not because it's their birthday or they left me a message, but just to let them know i care.
So that's it....a new year revolution.
Feeling a little scared i must say....like I've been standing at the top of a diving board for ages hoiking the swimsuit out of my bottom cheeks but now it's actually time to belly flop in and hope there's water at the bottom...
...here goes...
Happy New Year.
So....
8) I will say a prayer everyday.
This prayer was written by a very special friend of mine. I've said it before and it takes you out of yourself and into another place. A place where you are the luckiest person on the most beautiful planet, where everything is a gift and an adventure. A place I'd like to be in everyday.
Morning Celebration
as i breathe in i say welcome to the world, to natures glory and humanities great creations.
i ask the universe what can I give to the world today? I can share with the world the gift of..............(peace, joy, generosity, talent, efficiency, humour, wealth etc)
I aknowlege that I am a powerful being and endeavor to wield that power with grace, generosity and abundance, to give fully of my talents in all I do and to all I meet and give with equal abundance love, health and nourishment to my heart, soul and body.
I share now my mantras in trust, enthusiasm and confidence...(pick the mantras you want to say that day...or make up your own)
• I AM FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL AND IN CONTROL
• I RELEASE MY EGO-BASED FEARS AND LISTEN TO MY SPIRIT
• I SHOWER THE UNIVERSE WITH GRATITUDE FOR ITS MANY GIFTS TO ME
• I WELCOME LOVE AND INTIMACY INTO MY LIFE
• I AM SPIRITUALLY CONFIDENT AND ASSERTIVE
• I AM A BEAUTIFUL AND SEXUALLY CONFIDENT WOMAN
I meditate now, clearing my mind, giving platform to my inner voice and trust to the Universe...(5 minute meditation)
I thank the Universe for its gift of love, expressed through my family, friends and this beautiful World and I celebrate the day with enthusiasm and joie de vivre!
She recently came back to England after a long time in The States and she woke in the night, with jetlag and anxiety. Anxiety about the next job, the next available wad of cash, the health of loved ones, whether she'd ever meet that Texan millionaire... and for some reason she lay in bed and she picked up her laptop and she wrote these words. They calmed her. So now she says them every morning, and i will too.
(She'll probably be embarrassed about me sharing this. And i'm a bit embarrassed about writing so spiritually too, you can't help but feel like a bit of a plonker......but I'm going to try and get over that, because afterall....peace and love, man, could you want for anything more?)
9) I will mediatate everyday
I'm a bit new to meditation, so bare with me. I think you basically sit comfortably and close your eyes, then breath in saying the word 'hahm' and out saying the word 'sah' in your head. You don't speak it aloud. It means 'I am that' in Sanskrit. And is apparently very powerful and will take you to higher levels of consciousness......higher levels of consciousness!....i'll have some of that.
if you like the sound of this have a look here....this is what I'll be going from at first
http://www.dreamingintobeing.com/clientaccess_meditations.htm
10) I will call a friend everyday for no other reason than to say 'hello, how are you?' not because it's their birthday or they left me a message, but just to let them know i care.
So that's it....a new year revolution.
Feeling a little scared i must say....like I've been standing at the top of a diving board for ages hoiking the swimsuit out of my bottom cheeks but now it's actually time to belly flop in and hope there's water at the bottom...
...here goes...
Happy New Year.
Monday 28 December 2009
The New Year Revolution
I am the person who says ‘the diet starts on Monday’, ‘I’ll stop smoking on Monday’ ‘Starting on Monday I won’t drink for a week’, ‘As of Monday I’m going to go take up jogging’...but Monday never happens.
The net result of which is:
1) I’ve been on a Sunday night binge for about 15 years.
2) I’m 33, but I look 48.
3) If you saw my bare bottom you’d think I’d been sitting on lego for a long time.
Now, you might need to pour yourself a stiff drink or lie down before I tell you this.
MONDAY HAS FINALLY COME.
2010 will be the Monday I’ve been putting off my entire adult life. This year I’m going to do all the things I’ve been meaning to do.
2010
Look at it.
2010
Look at it again.
It’s beautiful.
Have you ever seen four digits look so powerful together? Don’t they look strong? And mystical? Like they should be blown out of a dragon’s mouth in green smoke at the beginning of an episode of Merlin or tattoed into a tanned man’s back in an aftershave advert or at least the name of a really sharp new razor or something.
2010 is ‘the one’. It’s going to be different to all the others. It’s not going to be all about Sauvignon, peanut butter on toast, American serialised box sets and debt.
In 2010 I will finally get my (massive) arse in gear.
I am setting myself ten new years resolutions. And, I think, 10 new years resolutions equal A New Year Revolution.
1) I will not smoke or use nicotine patches for the entire year
2) I will not eat refined sugar
3) I will not eat potatoes, bread or pasta.
4) I will not drink at all under any circumstances on a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday
5) I will do at least 5 mins yoga everyday.
6) I will go for a 20 minute jog everyday
7) Every morning I will get up and write three pages of whatever’s in my head.
There are only 7 at the moment.
Please help me find the last three? Is there anything you do, however ridiculous/extreme/wanky/hippy it seems, that betters your life and could better mine too which I could add to my list?
Or do you fancy doing any or all of these with me?
.....come on, it’s the REVOLUTION, man!
The net result of which is:
1) I’ve been on a Sunday night binge for about 15 years.
2) I’m 33, but I look 48.
3) If you saw my bare bottom you’d think I’d been sitting on lego for a long time.
Now, you might need to pour yourself a stiff drink or lie down before I tell you this.
MONDAY HAS FINALLY COME.
2010 will be the Monday I’ve been putting off my entire adult life. This year I’m going to do all the things I’ve been meaning to do.
2010
Look at it.
2010
Look at it again.
It’s beautiful.
Have you ever seen four digits look so powerful together? Don’t they look strong? And mystical? Like they should be blown out of a dragon’s mouth in green smoke at the beginning of an episode of Merlin or tattoed into a tanned man’s back in an aftershave advert or at least the name of a really sharp new razor or something.
2010 is ‘the one’. It’s going to be different to all the others. It’s not going to be all about Sauvignon, peanut butter on toast, American serialised box sets and debt.
In 2010 I will finally get my (massive) arse in gear.
I am setting myself ten new years resolutions. And, I think, 10 new years resolutions equal A New Year Revolution.
1) I will not smoke or use nicotine patches for the entire year
2) I will not eat refined sugar
3) I will not eat potatoes, bread or pasta.
4) I will not drink at all under any circumstances on a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday
5) I will do at least 5 mins yoga everyday.
6) I will go for a 20 minute jog everyday
7) Every morning I will get up and write three pages of whatever’s in my head.
There are only 7 at the moment.
Please help me find the last three? Is there anything you do, however ridiculous/extreme/wanky/hippy it seems, that betters your life and could better mine too which I could add to my list?
Or do you fancy doing any or all of these with me?
.....come on, it’s the REVOLUTION, man!
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